Now, Ghost Hands / Instructions to Finding Your Answer in the One Lit Window of the Quiet Home on Stilts in the Saddest Gentle Ocean You've Ever Seen

Now, Ghost Hands

She had see through hands.

I placed my hand over them.

Then they were ghost hands.

//////////////////////////

Instructions to Finding Your Answer in the One Lit Window of the Quiet Home on Stilts in the Saddest Gentle Ocean You've Ever Seen

Climb to the highest point of the rocks at the shore of the saddest yet gentle ocean you've ever seen.

There will be no winds to blow you from the high rocks because it will be safe and windless.

It will be sunrise and the sun will be in livid flames.

With the skyline lit by the heat of the suns temper, you'll spot a quiet house on stilts in the dead rippled water.

It will make you sad when you see that one lonely lit window..

When the sun finds its place to rest in the sky, the light will turn off and you'll be able to hear the creak of the wooden floors in the lonely house from where you stand on the high rocks of the shore.

You'll wait for the sun to go down and the moon to settle in its grey shaded spot out in the darkness.

The one friendless light will turn on under the moonlight.

Then you'll jump in the night ocean and swim to the small house on stilts.

From the dark waters you will see a life size teal fish with thickset black bird wings sitting at the edge of a bed.

It will be weeping with its bird wings fluttering slowly, lifting it a few inches from the bed.

In that second you will have your answer.

You then will swim back to the top of the rocks to see the quiet home on stilts in the saddest gentle ocean you've ever seen.

Then you'll go and make a family.

You'll have a child.

You'll buy a generous boat filled with wooden posts and nails and hammers and saws and large tree trunks and a tarp and your partner and your child.

You will build a home right next to the sad creatures home.

You and your family will settle in.

You will build a rocking chair and sit your child on your lap rocking back and forth and explain to your child who the creature that lives next door really is.

You will tell your child that nature is unfair and cruel and the creature living next door is living proof of that.

Then you will pick between these two conclusions to your internal question:

1.) The uninterrupted waters needs some form of life to interfere with the water's steady tranquil so that nature can set a new course for the wind to blow the birds into a new direction they've never been before so they wont evolve into mixed creatures like the odious teal fish with black wings all due to the gloominess that nature's repetition brings upon them.

or

2.) Nature can never be controlled. The more humans believe that they are controlling it, it's wrath grows powers that can never be stopped because God is nature and nature is God. It's wrath will never be stopped.

About the time you come to one of your conclusion you'll feel two sharp pains in your back underneath both of your shoulders blades.

You will feel your house move a little bit and you will look out of the window and see the water that you used to know as gentle become furious creating white tips at the crease of each wave.

Nature will pick you to follow the new winds over the water that you've interrupted.

As you realize this you will feel yourself inch all little from the wooden floor and your eyes will grow smaller and blacker and then you'll feel yourself inching a little farther away from yourself feather by feather...

New Drums / Orchestra in My Ear

(New Drums)

An orchestra plays in my ear everyday.

I can't hear anything.

I only hear themes written with the careful notes gently played.

They distract, they distract so kindly.

All of my words are trapped in my sleeves, captivated by the heat of my body.

They are right in my reach but I can't find them.

Or trapped inside some distant place...

The Mindset of a Nation

Considerable attraction goes to ones who should wear their lace

and smile seductively without reason on runways. It is the body not the face

to many of men and wearing is more than being anything. Women with the crown

on their head should give men the shivers for they are used to having the branch

of control. A single whip can scare and work up the minds of women with a chill

to the bone. Forever the false creed coated minds of libertine men discriminate endlessly.

The Back Alleyway God

Sue noticed details. She’d write about the details of everything she saw. She’d write about the patterns of the clouds in the sky or the way ants maneuvered through the grass. Everyday on her way to middle school, Sue would stop in the park near her house on her pink and teal bike. She still used her rusty training wheels. They were rusting along with the bike chain. The training wheels were loose enough to fall off but this never seemed to bother Sue.

Some days she would miss school and others she would go. On the days she made it, the teacher would ask her where she’d been. She’d respond, “In the leaves” or “writing in my ‘Journal of Details’.” The school had given up on Sue and her mom. Sue’s mom never had a landline in the apartment. She was always working and not watching over Sue. So the school simply decided to stop trying to get in touch with her and focus on bigger issues. Sue, being eleven years old, wasn’t affected by this at all. Nothing seemed to bother Sue, nothing at all.

It was Autumn now so Sue had been rolling in the massive piles of dead leaves in the park. She’d lay in them with comfort, even if they were wet and soggy. She’d take notes in her ‘Journal of Details.’ She’d watch baby spiders on the leaves move their eight little legs about on the surface of the leaves. She’d wonder how big the world seemed to these baby spider. She’d write about how the spiders would grow up to be artists and weave wonderful designs from tree branch to tree branch. Then she’d try to find a pattern in the brown, yellow and orange leaves and wonder if God planned these patterns out or if it was just her eyes that saw them. No one had ever explained to her who God was, she just knew the name meant the controller of everything. But no one had ever explained the word everything. She just knew it was a word that meant all of the things you knew about and all of the things you’ve ever seen. She always wondered what everything meant to everyone else.

One day before school, Sue woke her mom up. Sue’s mom looked over at her. “What? What the fuck do you want Sue?” Sue stood innocently by her bedside and said, “I just dreamnt...” Her mom yelled, “I don’t have time to listen to another one of your stupid fucking stories. I’m getting rest before work. Got it?” Sue’s mom turned back over in her sheets. Sue shook her head, got her bike and headed for the elevator.

She made her way to the park. She had planned to stay shortly and make it to school on time. They were going to learn about the universe and she didn’t want to miss it. It began to rain hard. It rained like boulders. Sue’s pink bike helmet made great noise with the heavy rain drops. Sue sped up on her bike. She peddled fast, but decided to pass up the park. She realized she didn’t have her book bag which meant she didn’t have her Journal of Details. She approached the sidewalk from a side alleyway she’d take on rainy days. She could see ‘The Umbrella People’ running all over the sidewalk. They all held their umbrellas above their heads in the same position. Sue loved looking out of the seventh story apartment window on a rainy day to see the sidewalks full of umbrellas. It was as if the umbrellas had a mind of their own. She labeled these people as ‘The Umbrella People.‘

Sue stopped with amazement in the alleyway. She came upon the sight of a dragonfly fluttering in circles in the rain. Sue bled colors of joy. She watched as it’s iridescent wings fluttered through the rain. With each movement the dragonfly made, little rain drops reflected upwards like speckles of active lava before an eruption. Sue gently stepped off of her bike. With the rain still pouring, Sue’s brown frizzy hair stuck to both sides of her face. Her pink helmet was strapped around her chin tightly. She wore a jean dress with yellow and green flower patches that inched to her knees. She had never seen a dragonfly in person. She’d seen them in her text books but never like this. The dragonfly had a sincerity to it’s movement. It’s wings fluttered fast but gracefully. Sue imagined what a melody in this creatures head would be like. She approached the butterfly slowly. The dragonfly didn’t seem to notice her. It continued in its small circular rotation. When she got close enough she held her left hand out. The dragonfly landed softly like a silent and gentle helicopter on her index finger. With her skinny finger extended out, the dragonfly’s wings stopped fluttering and fell to its side. Sue watched the dragonfly with admiration. She lifted her right hand and stroked the back of the dragonfly with her index and middle finger. In that moment, in the rain, Sue had never felt more alive. Suddenly, the dragonfly began fluttering towards the sidewalk and Sue ran after it leaving her bike in the rain.

Sue ran in between all of ‘the umbrella people’ on the sidewalk with her pink helmet still on. Everyone avoided Sue who saw her coming and for the ones who didn’t, Sue just pushed her way through them. The dragonfly was making its way through all of the people. It being smaller made it faster than Sue. Sue knew this dragonfly had a mind of its own. It was playing games with Sue or leading her somewhere important.

Sue ran for miles pushing people out of the way on the sidewalks. She switched at least 10 streets and then the dragonfly turned into an alleyway. The dragonfly flew behind a wall and landed on a dumpster. Sue turned the corner and came upon a man on his knees with blood trailing down his chin. There was a treacherous stench but Sue just ignored it. She was in shock by what she was seeing. His hands were covered in blood along with his shirt. Sue suddenly forgot about the dragonfly sitting on the dumpster. Another man laid on his back covered in blood. He was looking up at the rain saying loudly, “Feast upon thee! I want to make my way to the other world.” The man on the ground had chunks of flesh missing from his arms. He bled uncontrollably. The rain quickly flushed it into a nearby drain on the ground. The man on his knees looked up at Sue. He made eye contact with her but continued on eating the man on the ground. “What are you guys doing,” Sue asked anxiously. “Who are you,” he asked with importance. “I’m Sue, ” she said with her small tan arms at her side and her crooked pink bike helmet. “To answer your question, I am sending him away to new and better world,” the man said elegantly. “Where are you sending him,” Sue asked curiously. “To a land where everything comes true.” He responded. Sue asked, “Where is this place?” He stopped eating and said, “Inside of me.” “Who are you,” she quietly asked. “I’m God.” He said with a crooked smile. Sue put her hands on her hips and asked, “What does God do?” He laughed and said, “I keep peoples souls inside of me because inside of me is a very very safe place.” Sue stepped towards the man. She reached her arms out and placed his head on her stomach. The man, at first, didn’t know how to respond. He then understood her affection and leaned his face into her stomach. The man on the ground was now dead. Sue saw that dead man as a good thing. She thought his soul was now at peace inside of this man called God. The blood on the man’s face had smeared all over Sue’s jean dress. The man began to cry uncontrollably. He gripped the back of Sue’s dress and pushed his face harder into her stomach. “It’s okay God. Stop crying,“ Sue said passionately. The man let go of Sue and looked up at her on his knees and asked, “Who are you? Really.” Sue chuckled. “Silly, I’m Sue. Remember?” Sue looked over at the dragonfly still sitting on the dumpster. She put her left hand out and again the dragonfly landed on her index finger. The man stared at Sue with his mouth in the shape of an O. “It was nice meeting you God. I have to get to school now.” Sue skipped down the alleyway with the dragonfly still on her index finger and headed to school.

Sue stopped outside of the school. She stroked the dragonfly one more time and let it go. Sue pushed through the front doors of the middle school. The lady at the front desk jumped from her chair with the sight of Sue. Sue was drenched and covered in blood. She ran out from behind the counter and grabbed Sue by the shoulders and asked her what had happened. Sue looked the lady in the eyes and whispered with a smile, “My dream came true.” The woman asked in a panic. “What was your dream honey? Tell me what your dream was.” Sue looked at her with her red cheeks and said, “I met God in an alleyway. He sure was a nice man.”

Lantern Heart / Anyway, I Can Stay Alive, Be Alive

I'm living with a lantern in my heart. Only from time to time.

(It's dimly lit. An artificial light. That keeps light here. It keeps light here for now)

but what happens when it burns out?

(This one, fear.)

...is all an illusion I keep in my head. This one fear tricks me like this; I believe in the fears around me. The fear that goes like this, "Will I live the right way?"

And my answer.

Roads burn and break. These road are nothing to trust. These exits are our opportunities to leave. Exits keep being built and built. Take an exit, leave on another. Living the right way is no way at all. Our ideas are not mapped out, they are figured out. Existing is all you can do.

I say to you (earth, universe, person, other worlds, extraterrestrials) "Exist. Exist. Whisper to yourself. I'm following the spotlight that leads me to any destination where I can breath."

So I breath slowly. heavily. steadily. anyway, I can stay alive.

So I think sloppily. in disarray. consistently. anyway, I can be alive.

Yearning

Missing you...

Milligrams: The Process of Finding Your Heart

INT. karen in psychiatrists office - mid day

Karen is leaning back in a brown leather chair staring at the ceiling.

KAREN

I feel like my heart is missing. It's only been a day without the medicine and my chest just feels hollow again.

PSYCHIATRIST

You are just thinking to hard about it. You've done this for two years.

KAREN

But this time it feels real...

The psychiatrist just nods his head and doodles on his paper. He is scetching Karen with devil horns and a pitchfork.

PSYCHIATRIST

Here. I'm sure this'll help.

He hands her another prescription slip. Karen rises up in her chair quickly and anxiously.

INT. KAREN At RANDY'S PRESCRIPTIONS CENTER

Karen walks up to the counter and hands the slip to the lady with the name tag Sheryl. Smacking her gum loudly she speaks in a very unpleasant tone.

SHERYL

Would that be it?

Karen nods politely with uneasiness. The woman appears back at the desk with the bottle that says "Milligrams" on it. Karen takes the bottle in her hand delicately. She opens the bottle and takes out a pill. On the pill it says “How to feel again” in tiny black letters. She takes it and shakes it by her ear.

KAREN

Where is the ladies room?

Sheryl points to the back of the store

INT. KAREN IN THE LADIES ROOM

Karen looks at herself in the mirror. She opens the bottle and looks at the pill again. She whispers while reading the pill.

KAREN

How to feel again...

She hears a knock

KAREN

Just a minute.

She slips the bottle in her coat pocket

EXT. KAREN MEETS THE ACTIVIST

In the parking lot Karen spots a female activist marching with a sign in her hand screaming the words of the sign

ACTIVIST

Love is not essential. Love is not pure. Love is the disease that makes us impure.

She stops shouting with the sight of Karen.

ACTIVIST

You taking those meds to make your heart feel stronger?

Karen gives a cold look.

KAREN

Actually, I think I lost my heart a long time ago...

ACTIVIST

Good. That's what you get.

The activist continues to yell and march in circles. Karen walks a little further down the sidewalk and sees a clump of trash, digs around in her coat pocket and throws the bottle in the pile of trash on the ground.

EXT. THE BAND OF GREENERS

Twenty minutes later a group of environmentalist called, “The Band of Greeners” walk down the sidewalk with trash bags to clean up the sidewalks. Kevin, part of the group, finds Karen’s prescription bottle. He picks it up out of the trash. It reads,

kevin

Hm. Milligrams? Karen Rosenbloom. 4203 Pacific Ave SE, Olympia, WA, 98513.

He puts the bottle in his pocket and continues on cleaning.

EXT. KAREN SEES THE MOTHER ON THE BUS STOP BENCH

Karen strolls down the street and sees a lady holding a new born baby on a bus stop bench. Karen stops and sits next to the lady.

KAREN

How many months is she?

the mother

Six months. Just enough to have a heavy heart beat I can hear to reassure me she has a heart.

Karen's eyes grow wide and she looks down at the baby's chest. She sees the heart of the baby beating through her clothes. She feels at her chest and runs down the street to her home.

INT. KAREN IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR

Karen runs through her front door. She runs to the lifesize mirror in her bedroom. She rips open her shirt and there is a small wooden door on her chest with a key hole. She knocks on her chest pointing her ear towards the door. A hollow knock echoes for a minute. The house phone rings but she doesnt answer it. Karens voice recorder begins to play

KAREN

This is Karen. Leave a message at the beep.

KEVIN

Hi. This is Kevin. I am part of the Band of Greeners. I was picking up the sidewalks today and I came across your perscription bottle. I figured it might have fallen out of your pocket. Call me back at (360)876-4691.

Karen stands at the mirror and trys to open the small wooden door. It is sealed shut. She needs a key to open it. A memory sparks in Karens head. She walks out of the front door.

EXT. KAREN WALKING FROM HER HOME - PAST AFTERNOON

She sees the activist with her sign outside Randy's Prescription Center. She takes the sign from her hand and throws her sign on the on the ground.

KAREN

Who the fuck do you think you are! Love makes us impure? We spend our whole life looking for love. That love that will make us feel pure again, like nothing else in this world matters. We all think we know how to live until we find out that we are heartless. We leave our hearts hidden away in some mysterious place that we have to search and find...

Karen looks down at her chest. The activist stands there with her jaw half way open. She picks up her sign from the ground and walks down the sidewalk without a word.

EXT. KAREN UNDER THE BRIDGE - SUNSET

Karen comes to her old hiding place underneath the bridge of fourth street on the abandoned train tracks. A desk hides underneath the bridge. She had put it there two years ago, before she started taking the medicine. She sits at the chair in front of the desk. She opens the top drawer of the desk. She finds a beating heart and a skeleton key. She unbuttons her shirt and feels the door. She grabs the skeleton key and unlocks the door. She grabs the heart and puts it inside the door. A light projects out of Karen's chest. She closes the door and locks it with the skeleton key. She gets up with a smile on her face and pushes the chair into the desk and puts the skeleton key in the top drawer of the desk. She walks in the direction of the sun on the grassy train tracks kicking the overgrown weeds. She mumbles a quote to herself.

KAREN

All we need is the truth within our chest.